Tantrums and Birthdays

Have you seen Parenthood?  Not the new TV show, but the original movie with Steve Martin.  Steve Martin’s son in the movie is a complete blubbering mess for most of the movie, irritating him to no end (not to mention embarrassing the hell out of him).

Well, that was us yesterday.  Complete with two adults collapsed in bed at the end of the night. 

It was L.P.’s birthday.  His real birthday, as opposed to his “party” birthday that we had a few weekends ago.  So, we had to do something for him.

His main request was that we take his neighbor friend with us bowling.  Wish granted.  The boys were rambunctious in the car, prompting me to offer to drive lest my husband have a vapor lock behind the wheel.  Adding a kid to the mix really reminded us how great a bigger car would be right about now (we have an Altima). 

We got to the bowling alley and all was well.  Shoes, lightweight balls, program names into our lane, and we were ready to bowl.  The birthday boy got to go first.  Everything was going swimmingly, until the birthday boy started to lose.

And that prompted dirty looks, refusing to move out of the lane for the next person to bowl, tears, sobbing, and “I hate you” directed toward me when I made him sit out for his behavior.

Ordinarily I would have just packed up and taken them all home after the first game, but what do you do when it’s the birthday boy being a brat?  My husband took him outside for the rest of the game while I played with his friend.  He came back and the same nonsense ensued:  crying, pouting, poor attitude. 

My husband and I made mental notes to ourselves:  teach him good sportsmanship.

I was humiliated.  People were staring at us.  The little neighbor friend looked at us like…wtf is this kid’s problem??!!  I wanted to scream to everyone else “I didn’t raise him!  We just got him in November!” instead of looking like two parents who didn’t raise this kid very well.  I refrained, and we plunged forward trying to use that teachable moment, but I couldn’t help but resent that fact that we went through all this trouble and spent all this money to get a temper tantrum from a poor sport.  And I thought in my head the entire time, when I was a kid, my parents would have sent me to a labor camp for this behavior!  Okay, they wouldn’t have really done that, but they were no nonsense! 

And don’t you just love it when the kids act up in public, bufffered by friends and strangers?  You know, when you say through clenched teeth you just wait until we get home buster!  Time out for you! 

He settled down in the next game when he began winning and got himself a few spares.  The very nice older couple next to us cheered him on, and soon he was offering to teach us how to play bowling, completely unaware that it was him that was on the chair blubbering and sobbing like a toddler. 

Everything got better after that.  We finished up two more games and headed home. 

The boys played at the neighbor’s house for a little bit before L.P. came home and I made the meal he requested—grilled cheese sandwich. 

We toasted our glasses full of apple juice and followed the gourmet sandwiches with Marie Callendar’s lemon cream cheese pie (by request of the birthday boy), complete with a “trick” sparkling candle that made him laugh endlessly.  

 

Butterball watched his brother from the other side of the table, very interested in what was going on.

 

And being the gluttons for punishment that we are, we’re going to attempt yet another outing (after we swore we were taking a hiatus from outings) and going to the beach with another little friend of L.P.’s.  Crossing our fingers it goes well.

Parenting Styles

It’s so hard being a baby. 

 

I’ve been thinking a lot about parenting.  My husband and I are deeply entrenched in the biggest job in the world–parenting–and experiencing what it is like to truly work together for a common goal (raising productive, happy, well-adjusted kids).  The only problem is that “working together” is easier said than done. 

I like to think of parenting with your spouse in terms of driving a car.  There are different parenting relationships.

Scenario #1:  both parents work together to control the same steering wheel, going toward the same destination with a lot of compromise and coordination.

Scenario #2:  one parent steers in one direction, and the other parent goes in an opposite direction.  The parents have different destinations and do not work together.

Scenario #3:  One parent steers the car while the other lounges in the passenger seat. 

A lot of days we’re scenario #3.

I’m the disciplinarian.  I always have been.  I’m more experienced with kids and even in my teaching job, my class is always much more in line than my husband’s classes.  To him, being strict is too much work.  Although he sees the merit in it, he’d rather somebody else do it for him. 

For me, I don’t want to be the one driving all the time.  To be the driver 24/7 means I get pinned as the Big Bad Wolf, and while raising children is no popularity contest, I kind of think both parents should both partake in wearing the “wolf” hat. 

As for me and my husband, we have a lot of things going for us as parents working together.  We agree on almost all fundamental aspects of how we want to raise our children.  We always back the other parent’s decisions up.  We always stand by each other’s decisions, even when we aren’t 100% sure if they were the right ones.  In other words, we’re a unified front with the kids. 

Sometimes I feel like we somewhat complement each other.  He’s much more compassionate and understanding than I am, giving the children a refuge from my strict expectations.  On the other hand, he can be gullible whereas I can sniff bologna a mile a way. 

I suppose it’s nearly impossible to find the perfect scenario between parents raising their children.  We are, of course, a work in progress.  Everyday we are able to add a new piece to our mosaic of life.  Everyday we learn and grow as parents.

Free-Range Kids…Good or Bad?

Lenore Skenazy has written a book and owns a blog about “Free-Range Kids,” which is the concept of raising kids to be independent and giving them greater freedom.  She asserts that it is a “common sense” approach to parenting that makes children more self-reliant and parents worry-free. 

I think it’s definitely an interesting topic of discussion.  While I don’t agree with everything (like how she let her son ride the NYC subway by himself), there are a lot of points where I found myself nodding in agreement because that is exactly how I was raised.

I guess that makes me free-range grown!

Anyway, the truth of the matter is that we aren’t really having more kidnappings, rapes, and other kinds of violent crimes than other times in history.  The reason we hear so much about it is from the media.  They didn’t have television sets a hundred years ago.  And those Amber Alert warnings we see on the side of the freeways?  A lot of those are custody disputes…not even true kidnappings. 

So what does all of this mean?  It means as a society parents have become more paranoid and restrictive of their children.  We don’t see kids running around the neighborhoods.  As Lenore points out several times, you don’t see parks packed with kids like they used to be in the “old days.”  Consequently, kids do not have the skill set to be self-sufficient like they used to be.

My mom let me go all over our great big city of Anaheim (home of Disneyland and the Angels) growing up—but only if my brother and sister were with me.  So we always had to have somebody with us.  We were savvy on what to look out for.  She taught us a code word from the time we began school—a word that everyone had to tell us if they picked us up.  We knew how to be safe.  As a result, we had freedom.  Glorious freedom to be kids, riding our bikes to get Thrifty icecream, going to the dollar theater, shopping the clearance bins at Target, going to the park…we had a great childhood.  Not a thing I would change about it. 

Kids today don’t get to experience those joyous moments of childhood.  Rather, they are locked up inside resorting to things like the Internet, TV, and video games for entertainment.  I think it’s sad.  Case in point:  my aunt’s kids.  If they were home alone and somebody knocked on the door, they’d totally let the dude right into the house.  They’re that clueless.  They were raised sheltered, and consequently do not have the skills that would enable them to be self-sufficient.  She would never let them go to the movies alone.  She would never let them run around the neighborhood.  The kids have spent more time in front of the TV than they have outside playing. 

So…I don’t know what the answer is.  I’d like to raise my kids to be on the “free-range” side…but at the same time you can’t help but want to be protective of them.  I think I’ll be shooting for something in the middle of too-laid-back and overprotective.

Easter Baskets

Happy Easter!

Am I a bad mother for not getting my 3-month old an Easter basket?  I figured he wouldn’t remember, and why should I introduce him so early in life to consumerism?

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how we want to handle holidays.  My stepson came to live with us just before Thanksgiving (he previously lived a plane ride away), and while you have the urge to want to lavish them with tons of goodies that will make their eyes pop out in excitment, there’s a practical side of me that firmly believes in delayed gratification. 

When I was a child, my parents gave us Easter baskets filled with goodies and candy.  It wasn’t lavish, but it wasn’t meager.  We were so excited to get our baskets and be able to use them for the Easter egg hunt.  My husband tells me that when he was a kid, all he got was an empty basket to use for the egg hunt (how sad, right??!!).  So, for our little family, I hope to aim for something in the middle.  I might add that my husband and I didn’t get presents year-round, only on these special occasions. 

My stepson is a different story.  He’s 6-years old, so by nature wants everything in sight.  When he lived with his mother, he was used to being thrown everything he wanted just to shut him up.  6 years later, he finds everything disposable and has an insatiable appetite for new “things” with a complete lack of appreciation.  Case in point:  he didn’t want to open his Easter basket today.  And he didn’t touch it for at least another hour or two.  Who doesn’t open their Easter baskets??!!  When I was a youngster, we woke up early and ran to our baskets, hardly able to contain our excitement. 

That just goes to show that presents in the grand scheme of life do not mean anything in and of themselves.  It’s the anticipation, the newness, the “first time”, and the mood and theme of the holiday that guides your emotions.  To spoil a child is to ruin this human experience for them.

Teaching Kids Concentration through Routines

Having inherited an unruly 6-year old when my stepson came to live with us five months ago, I know how much work an out of control child can be. 

I know the level of desperation you can feel when your life suddenly doesn’t feel like your own anymore.  Many thoughts cross your mind.  My favorite:  WHY ME??!!!!

Luckily I had a lot of experience with children.  That’s what a lifetime of babysitting will get you.  I’m also a teacher, so I know a lot of the psychology behind the behavior of children. 

It always amazes me that people will put in the time to train their animal, but then they have out of control kids.  One of the major problems an out of control child has is difficulty concentrating. 

If your child lacks concentration, they may be having signficant difficulties at school, in social interactions, at home…virtually every aspect of their life.

The good news is that concentration skills can be taught to children. In fact, they need to be taught.  The earlier the better, but it is never too late.   Just understand that if you start teaching your child at the age of 6, then you’re going to have an up-hill battle.  That’s what we are going through right now with my stepson.  He was allowed to do whatever he pleased in his previous household, so it’s a total shock to him that he has to do things like homework and pick up after himself in our home. 

For anybody, and particularly for children, routines are immensely important for success. I’m not saying they are fun or easy, but they are essential if concentration is the goal.

Now, everyone knows about how vital routines can be for an infant: feedings, nap-time, diaper changes…I’m sure you had it down, right?

But it seems many parents start to neglect routines for their children over time. Sometimes it’s a matter of having too few routines in place, or perhaps not enforcing the ones that you do have. Everyone is guilty of some or all of this.

In a classroom, a successful teacher will establish routines, not only to maintain order, but to facilitate the learning process. The less surprises a child has, the more they know what to expect. They know their boundaries. They gain independence. Furthermore, they are less distracted by transitions and more focused on what the teacher has to teach them. Thus, the children are better able to concentrate.

You probably have a laundry list of things you’d like your child to be able to concentrate on.  To master concentration, they’ll need to be able to have a strong will to do. They need the independence, desire, and ability to concentrate. In order to help your child train their will to do, you need to set routines for them that you consistently enforce.

Start these routines as soon as possible if you haven’t already done so. Don’t just give up and throw your hands in the air; reflect on the routines and figure out what worked and what didn’t work. It’s not a set in stone process, but rather maintaining routines should be a work-in-progress, constantly fine-tuning them to meet your child’s needs.

An example of a routine is a bed time.  Some people don’t set bed times for their children because they think it’s too mean or maybe too restrictive, or perhaps just a big ‘ole pain in the rear to enforce every night (especially if you are a night person, and/or you like to sleep in).  However, life is about routines. We wake up, go to work, come home, eat, sleep, and repeat the process all over again the next day.

Successful people have the self-discipline that keeps them focused throughout their day and they are able to do it with routines. Routines are not about being restrictive or rigid, but a tool to help an individual concentrate on what they have to do. In addition, routines are essential for time management, and we all know there aren’t enough hours in a day.

Here are some examples of routines:

– bed time

 – time to wake up in the morning (you can buy them an alarm clock to promote their ownership over this routine)

– time to eat breakfast

 – time reserved to do homework after school

 – time to play

– time to read

Most likely your child will resist complying with the routines, especially if they aren’t used to them. That’s okay. Kids are going to test you and test rules, so you should actually expect that. Your job is to calmly never back down. Develop consequences for them and stick to it. For example, if they refuse to go to bed on time, the next day they have to go to bed five minutes earlier. Continue to do this until they learn to follow the bed time. Enforce the rules with a “wooden” expression.  Don’t let them have the satisfaction of driving you up a wall.  Always maintain your cool.  If you can master routines in your daily schedule, you’re going to see that concentration will be easier to achieve than you previously thought.

Here’s the bottom line:  your life will be SO MUCH EASIER if your kid(s) are independent and have structure in their lives.  No concentration= no structure= no life skills your kids will need in the future when they are on their own.

Egg Timer Time Management

If you don’t already own one, do yourself a favor and buy one.  It will help you organize your precious mommy-time and make you more productive.

When your baby goes to sleep, you usually know you have very, very limited time until your sweet little one wakes up.  Sometimes it’s 3 hours, 2 hours, 1 hour, 30 minutes…maybe even 15 minutes.  That makes your time incredibly precious.

What I have found is that human beings tend to squander time.  They will realize the full impact of wasting time when it’s too late.  There’s a saying:  don’t waste time or time will waste you.  You can relate, can’t you?

The biggest problem in life is getting motivated to do something…and then actually doing it.  As moms, we’re usually tired, overworked, stressed, you name it.  When we get a little quiet time, even though we have dishes to do, laundry to finish, floors to clean, we’d rather just sink into a comfy chair and check our Facebook.  I’m totally guilty of this.

So, this is where the egg timer comes in.  It actually helps you budget your time.

This is what I do:

Set the egg timer for 15 minutes.  I have 15 minutes to surf the web.

When that time is up, I’ll set the timer again for another 15 minutes.  I have 15 minutes to clean the house.

Maybe I’ll set the timer for 30 minutes to finish a project. 

YOU determine your time allocation. 

What you’ll find is that the egg timer will hold you accountable for how you spend your time.  Instead of spending an hour surfing the web and then regretting it later on when you got nothing else done while your kid(s) were “quiet”, you can keep track of your time and watch your productivity skyrocket.

I’m telling you, it really works if you stick to it.  Give it a try.