Stepmom Filling in for Mom…

Before November 2009, I lived a life of doing as I pleased.  Coming and going, dinners on 2nd Street, movies, shopping…whatever my little heart was set on.  And then my stepson, who previously lived 8 hours away, came to live with us.  Full-time.  You never know how kids will change your life until they do, and then it just hits you like a ton of bricks.  Especially when your first experience as a full-time parent is raising a 6-year old.  There is no learning curve.  No significant period of quiet baby that doesn’t talk back.  Nope, becoming a full-time parent of a 6-year old is like learning how to swim by being thrown into a choppy ocean that is miles and miles deep.  And we haven’t even begun to talk about the issues surrounding broken families…I’ll save that for another day. 

So, on Friday I attended a Mother’s Day breakfast at my stepson’s school.  I expected it to be awkward, as I am not his mother and I know his real mother reminds him of this regularly.  I don’t make any attempt of replacing his “real mother,” yet I am the one who cooks, cleans, and does his homework with him everyday. 

Where do I fit in?

His teacher, as many people do, made the mistake of saying, “your mother is here!” 

I heard my stepson mutter under his breath, “that’s my stepmom.” 

I assured him that it was an honest mistake, that people often confuse him for being my real son, and that we’re a unique family.  But I don’t really know what the best answer should have been, as I never had experience with broken families.  My parents are still married.  My aunts and uncles have intact families.  My grandparents had intact families.  My friends growing up had intact families.  This is all new to me.

My stepson came home that day with an elaborate, hand-crafted present. 

It’s for my real mom, he made sure to tell us. 

It was then that I began questioning our definitions of real mom vs. stepmom.  What does that mean?  Maybe biological mom is more accurate.  What is a “real mom”?  Somebody who scrubs your underwear when you have an accident?  The person who makes your meals and sees you off on the school bus in the mornings?  The person who plays Easter Bunny and Santa Clause for you?  Because some stepmoms do that too.  I do all of that for him.  Am I just a pretend person?  The stepmom who gets no credit?

And yet I understand the biological mother’s fear of losing their place in their little one’s heart, even if the biological mom isn’t the stablest of people.  I have a baby too, and I would die a hundred times over if he thought someone else was his “real” mom. 

I don’t have any answers, just a lot of emotions lately.  One part of your heart knows that raising a child whose biological mother isn’t capable of doing it is a noble thing, while the other part of your heart resents being the Stepmom. 

I laugh when I hear people say that motherhood or parenting is a thankless job.  They don’t know thankless until they become the Pretend Mom, aka Stepmother.